a white flag moment

It's been said, and I've been offended by it -- 
that snarky jab by people saying: 

"Jesus is a crutch."

while I've barked back and stood firm on what strong faith I have -- such an oh-so-righteous and unshakeable faith -- I realized, maybe He is.  

Maybe He is something I lean on, and carry around in order to keep me steady.  

Maybe He is a name I call on when I don't have the answer.  

Maybe He is a tool I use to appear like I have it all together.  


I'm accepting this revelation, but rather than thinking that I've been just been leaning on a Savior, I actually feel like I haven't been doing His Grace any justice at all.  

Because, if we're gonna go there and say my Lord is a crutch, then let's go all the way there.

Using this logic, I must accept that He's my stretcher, too.  The vessel by which my broken body and warped spirit are carried away and given first response.

And then He's my IV.  A slow drip of truth and grace delivering continuous healing, hope and rejuvenation into the devastated places of my mind and heart.  Take this away and it's only a matter of time before I'm right back to the infections of cheap thrills, a know-it-all attitude and subtle hate.. dehydrated by empty words like "that's just who I am."

He's my surgeon, for real--a mighty hand which slowly, lovingly and creatively carves away pride, judgment, and pain.  With a double-edged sword He divides the bits of my being, scrapping the worldly thoughts, insecurities, simple consciousness and anything else that leaves me appearing "familiar."

People, He's my lifelong prescription-taken on an empty stomach, revealing just how quickly He can alter my comfort when nothing else is in the way.  It's a medicine which clears the poison and makes room for life.

I can't tell you how many times I laughed at Christians while I was an atheist, saying they were the weakest people on earth, completely crazy--


I couldn't understand how they could just follow ritual for a make-believe God and place their trust in that same entity.

Now, I can't even begin to summon these past emotions enough to efficiently speak on them, because that girl is completely altered, folks.  That mindset was "mine" but it is being dissolved.

And the truth is, I don't want to remember what that was like.  I don't want to go back there, even if only for the sake of an accurate retelling.  I don't want to put myself back in that place where I thought I knew it all and could single-handedly fulfill my every need.

All I want is to know that the fear, anxiety and insecurity that once consumed me is on its way out, but I'm not equipped to perform such deep heart work.  I'm not selfless enough, compassionate enough or even strong enough.

But, Jesus.. 
Just as I watched the people in my life change after they received Christ, I too began to change.  Some saw it, some didn't want to see it.  For the most part, however, there was a newness in my life.  I broke old habits.  I formed new ones.  I found healing.  I had comfort.  I knew hope.

I ultimately became the most strong I've ever been by simply laying down everything 

and accepting the weakness of my flesh.  

My white flag is still flying.  

My Savior is my crutch.  

Thank God He is.

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