hitting the wall
today we were exhausted
exhausted to the point that i drove around to let Eli nap and we ended up finishing that nap in the park. we could have napped inside but our friend is selling her home and there was a showing. it was too far to drive to my parents' or sister's, and so Thomas drove us and found a quiet corner in one of the Huron Metroparks and we snuggled under the trees on one of our scratchy outside blankets... until a giant spider crawled across us and ruined the moment.
/////today i was so emotional, again. i was burdened, again. i was brought to tears a few times for things that i can't fully disclose in this post, but can just say they were the work of the enemy and meant to break down my confidence in my marriage and self-worth. more than a few times i thought "why am i even carrying through with this? why are we trying to live together in a home if we can't even survive in this room?!" and i found an answer in the cry of the Israelites
Exodus 14:11-12 reads:
They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?
Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!
the Israelites were so terrified of the current pressure of the Egyptians march that they forgot the promises of God. they actually thought it would be better to remain as slaves than to fight for their Promised Land. they cursed the man who risked his own life to save them and began to form their own "i told you so" chants. it was a mess of little faith and much fear. and it opened my eyes to what i'm feeling now.
i really am hurt by some of the drama i'm experiencing as we go through this. i've felt let down, ignored, disregarded and unloved. i've noticed things that weren't even happening and felt fear in them. i've found a way to indulge in self-pity at least once a day and it all came boiling down this evening as i put Eli to sleep and read through this book.
i only felt let down, ignored, disregarded and unloved because
i took my eyes off Jesus and fixed them instead on the enemy.
i forgot the promise that we will close on the house tomorrow, and see all of the goodness that God has waiting for us. i forgot to choose every bit of joy that is rightfully mine as a daughter of God. i hit the wall and, at that point, could only look up.
and He was waiting for me.
waiting to give me a good word and encouragement for the next week. He was still there, in His pillar of Presence and helped to lift each burden so i could rest.
has God ever met you when you 'hit the wall'?